Venomous snakes found in the United States include rattlesnakes, copperheads, cottonmouths/water moccasins, and coral snakes. A venomous bite is called an “envenomation.” Although death from venomous snake bites is rare, … Each year, an estimated 7,000–8,000 people are bitten by venomous snakes in the United States, and about 5 of those people die.

• From: CDC.gov

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“I let snakes bite me, but I do it for a cause,” he told me.

“To save the children in the Sahara Desert?” I asked.

“To use my blood as a vaccine to save them. Which is why I created the app: Snakebite-Man! he said. “Anyone in the world who gets envenomated, uploads a picture of the snake. I choose that exact animal from the snake library in my private 747 and let it bite me.”

It was true, he invented an app that changed the world. Everyone had Snakebite-Man! installed.

“Then you fly there and give them your blood?” I asked.

“Yes, for now. I’m working on a way to put blood in rockets for guaranteed 2-hour delivery anywhere in the world.”

“You must be hero to the children of the Sahara Desert. To risk your life for them.”

“Actually, most envenomings occur in Southeast Asia. I’m frequently in the Sahara, but also anywhere hot or tropical. I just got back from Terrebonne, Oregon.”

“I bet they call you Saint Snakebite Man,” I said.

“Actually, they call me something else.”

“What do they call you?”

“They call me the man who has a lot of money and wants to be famous in any way possible.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m hoping that you and I can make a deal.”

“What kind of deal?”

“I’ll pay you $10,000 to marry me. To make me seem less of a douchebag. A Snakebite Man needs a woman. It’ll make me famous faster.”

“I can’t marry you! You’re obsessed with snakes! You live in a plane full of snakes!”

“$40,000. You can sleep in the cockpit, it’s snake-proof.” he said.

“Deal, but I want no part of being bit by snakes. I don’t want any anti-venom antibodies! I’m an anti-vaxxer, and I just don’t trust snakebites—I’ve heard horror stories.”

“Deal!” he said. “You’re also going to be the face of my app and my website, as my wife. That’s $40,000 for you. I’ll have my accountant draw up the contract.”

I began to get a headache from the thought of snakes. I imagined them crawling on me, wrapping around my ankles, biting me, and then possibly getting loose. I could never sleep on a plane, and I didn’t want to sleep on a plane full of snakes.

But I had a plan. I’d get rid of the snakes, and I’d do it by marrying the Snakebite Man. Then, I’d divorce him and get all of his money.

I’d get all these goddamn snakes off that goddamn plane, and then I’d just synthesize the anti-venom antibodies from all snakes in a single cocktail vaccine. I’d be a hero to the people of the Sahara. I’d be the real Saint Snakebite Man.

THE END

🤖🤖🤖👨👨👨👨👨👨👨 (30% AI writing.)

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Thanks for reading!

Take care, … and if you can’t take care, take cash or a universal venom vaccine.

– Shane

• America's 99 Problems

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